I have a rare Surname (No real names will be given) which I love very much. I’ve had a very happy upbringing attached to this surname and I really want to keep it in my name when I marry my fiance.
I am currently Jenny Jayne Furnish
My fiance took his step-dad’s name when he was 6, and he likes his name too.
When I marry him, I’d like to be…Jenny Jayne Furnish-Hemphell
Mrs Furnish-Hemphell
HE would prefer me to keep the Furnish, but not have a double barrelled surname, so I’d just be Mrs Hemphell.
One of my fiance’s two middle names was once a family surname, so he wants me to keep my maiden name as a “middle” name instead.
We don’t normally argue over things, we are very happy. BUT he says if I add the hyphen it “Devalues” his own surname.
He claims not to be old-fashioned and chauvanistic about this, (he’s a modern man or I wouldn’t be marrying him!), BUT…
Do any of you guys think my placing my lovely, unusual maiden name equal to his as a surname is in any way devaluing his name?
I’d like to make it clear, I’m not asking him to be MR Furnish-Hemphell, I’m just talking about myself with the hyphen. Not him, and not any children we may have, just me.
If this really does hurt his feelings as much as he says, I’d love to find a compromise, because at the moment we both stand to get hurt over this rather silly issue, which nevertheless is close to both our hearts.
Can anyone help with any of this mess?
10 Responses to 'Double Barrelled Surname Dispute, Help?'
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You are not devaluing his surname by putting your surname with it. Many women keep their maiden names to use in their professional or business life and use their husbands surname in their personal life.
The problem I see with hyphenated last names is what do you do with each following generation? The first generation has two hyphenated names. The second generation potentially has four hyphenated names as a last name and so on. I know you said your children would just have his surname, but what if they see your last name and say they want the same as you have. If you take your children out of the country, even Canada, and you have a different last name, you could have problems with customs agents. It gets to be a constant obstacle in life.
I like his compromise of you using your maiden name as your middle name when you get married. That way, your surname stays with you the rest of your life. That’s what I did. When I graduated from the university, I used my maiden name as my middle name on my diploma. We are since divorced and I took back my maiden name as my surname, but I’m glad I have my maiden name on my diploma.
double barrel names are poncy and stupid
but it’s your choice and your name and you can do with it what you want!
Hi, tell him you are keeping your name because you want to, it does not devalue his name in anyway. If he continues this dispute, maybe he is not worth your time.
Both keep your own names - the kids can have his name. And yeah - he is being a little chauvenistic
Sure you like your name, but changing it to his isn’t gonna change who you are. If you are a Dr or teacher or something… maybe a double barrelled name would be okay so people don’t get confused, but I don’t like them… they just seem so pretentious.
I think you should just take his name. Surely if you love him, you’d be happy to take his name.
the tradition way to solve this issue is it do as he suggested and use your maiden name as your middle name otherwise both of you have to change your last name to the hyphenation otherwise legally your children will get mired down in a confusion down the line. Many brides disliked the middle name that their family saddled them with so taking their maiden name as their middle name and using it along with the married last name is a good compromise. If you do not wish to lose your middle name then how about this Jenny J Furnish Hemphell.
No, you’re not ‘devaluing’ his name in any way. I’d suggest that you say you want to keep *your* name which *you* are proud of and is part of *your* identity. He should be happy that you’re willing to take his surname on as well - you don’t have to. You could carry on calling yourself Mrs Furnish, or Miss Furnish, if you wished. I’d be suspicious of his desire in wanting you to change your name completely. It might hide a controlling nature and a hope that you’ll submerge your identity in his. It’s not a silly issue but an important one to get sorted out before you are married.
You can drop the Jayne and become Jenny Furnish Hemphell.
I kept my maiden name when I married. My surname is common, and his isn’t. I love my husband, but I didn’t want to simply become ‘the wife’. Keeping my own name was very important to me for my identity and not losing myself. It was about being equal to him, and not being second in the relationship. For me it wasn’t petty - it was about starting married life on the same level. It was more than just a name. I don’t see how honouring your husband by taking his name in a hyphenated way devalues it at all. (I didn’t take my husband name in this way, because I didn’t want a mouthful - if I have children, they will have his surname).
At first it hurt my husband when I said about not changing it. He saw it as a rejection. But I explained it was central to my own identity and self. And he was ok with it, as he was able to understand that it was partly about wanting to remember my own family too. It took us 9 months to tell his family that I had kept my name though….
Its interesting how surnames are taken in other parts of the world - in Iceland you don’t change your name when you marry for example. They take the attitude that you are a person in your own right. Other cultures have other traditions. Whilst I think attitudes to married names in this country are changing, being traditional is still very much the norm and it does cause issues and embarassment at times.
For example: I had a big row with my bank about it; when I told them I was married, they couldn’t comprehend when I told them three times I hadn’t change my name. No I don’t want you to change your records - what part of “I haven’t changed my name” is so hard to understand?!. (So I’m still Miss on everything as its just not worth the hassle). And when we got life insurance, their computer automatically changed it to ‘live in partner’ despite my husband filling out all the forms correctly (It actually said elsewhere on their system we were married - it was just the paperwork that was incorrect). On the plus side, I know instantly when we get telesales calls as they ask for Mrs X instead of Mrs Y!
It’s your name, so it is 100% your decision. Tell him not to devalue your name, as no-one will hear it if it is relegated to a middle name. It’s not as if you aren’t prepared to take his name, you just want to keep yours as well, and I think you are already making an acceptable compromise by making it a double-barrel name. He is being old-fashioned, whatever he says, as he doesn’t consider your preferences, feelings and right to choose what you are called. Stick to your guns, he is being a hypocrite. In your place, I would be quite offended if someone else tried to dictate to me what I were called, and I suggest that you point out to him that it is devaluing your name to hide it away in the middle.